The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

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Tidy Housekeeper?

The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."

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Piranha

While my third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one of the students asked me how to spell "piranha." I told him I was unsure. To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem. That's when I overheard another pupil say to him, "Why bother to look it up? She doesn't know how to spell it anyway."

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For The Kids...

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"

"One dollar." answered little Johnny

"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.

Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."

 

As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?"

"What?" asked the recruit innocently.

"I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant.

The recruit replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"

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Candy Dispenser

While I was visiting my sister one evening, I took out a candy dispenser that was shaped like a miniature person. "How does that thing work?" she asked.

As I turned the figurine's arm to pop candy out, my sister laughed. "I see ... it's a lot like my husband," she said. "You have to twist his arm to get anything out of him."

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Rescue

There once was a flood and everyone had reached safety except for one man.

He climbed to the top of his house with the water lapping at his feet.

A helicopter flew over his head and hung down a rope for him to climb, but the man was deeply religious and said, "It's alright! The Lord will save me!"

So the helicopter flew away. The water continued to rise and a boat came to him but, once again, the man shouted, "No! Go AWAY! the Lord will come and save me!" and, once again, the boat sped off.

The water was getting dangerously deep by now so the helicopter came back and, on cue, the man repeated, "I don't need saving! My Lord will come"

Reluctantly, the helicopter left.

The rain continued to pour, the water continued to rise and the man drowned.

At the gates of heaven, the man met St. Peter. Confused, he asked, "Peter, I have lived the life of a faithful man - why did my Lord not rescue me?"

St. Peter replied, "For pity sake! He sent you two helicopters and a boat!"

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For The Kids...

What do you call a witch who drives really badly?
A road hag!

What kind of jewellry do warty witches wear on their wrists?
Charm bracelets!

When should you feed witches milk to a baby?
When it's a baby witch!

Who's the fastest witch?
The ones that ride on a vroom stick!

 

A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the principal's office."

"I wonder why," the teacher mused.

"Because he's a following person," Alice replied.

"A what?" the teacher asked.

"It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office.'"

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The Island

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

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Aisle Seat

I had someone ask for an aisle seat on the plane so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

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For The Kids...

Why did the whale cross the road?
To get to the other tide!

What did the slug say to the other who had hit him and run off?
I'll get you next slime!

What was the snail doing on the highway?
About one mile a day!

What is the definition of a slug?
A snail with a housing problem!

 

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

Finally, the man says,

"Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

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Foreman

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"

Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."

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Hippopotamus, New York

A woman called to make reservations "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.

After some searching, the agent came back with "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."

The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered.

"You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal" was the reply.

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For The Kids...

What kind of fish is useful in freezing weather?
Skate!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh!

What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and hates neighbours?
A hermit crab!

What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
As far away as possible!

 

Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.

"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."

"Okay, you first," replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.

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Expensive Operation

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband's snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "it sounds like leasing a new sports car!"

"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

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Worms

Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill cause he hadn't eaten anything for days. Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to no avail.

Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said, "Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere until you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave."

Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said "OK. I'll eat but I have some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and second you'll share with me."

Dr. Gill was OK with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms!" said Josh.

Dr. Gill was horrified but didn't want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. "Not that many, just one," yelled Josh as he saw the plate.

So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that the single worm be cut into two pieces and then Dr. Gill eat half. Dr. Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing, barely managing to keep his cool, said, "OK, now eat!"

Josh refused as he sobbed, "No way! You ate my half!"

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For The Kids...

What did the slug say as he slipped down the wall?
How slime flies!

How do you know your kitchen floor is dirty?
The slugs leave a trail on the floor that reads "clean me"!

What do you do when two snails have a fight?
Leave them to slug it out!

 

Moshe was at his golf club and went into the clubhouse to see whether anyone could offer him a lift to Hendon. His own car was off the road being serviced.

"Sure," said Morry, "I'll give you a lift. My Rolls Royce is just outside."

As they're driving along, Moshe says, "Morry, what's that thing on the dashboard ticking all the time?"

"That's my digital clock."

A few minutes later, Moshe asks, "And what's that thing on the dashboard moving up and down?"

"That's my tachometer," says Morry.

Then a few minutes after that, Moshe starts to ask, "But what's that...."

"Hold on a minute, Moshe," says Morry, "I can see you've never been in a Rolls Royce before."

"Never in the front seat." says Moshe.

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How can I get to heaven?

I asked the children in my Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, held a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

"No!" the children all answered.

Then I said, "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "No!"

"Well," I continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

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Apprehension

After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness

My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.

"Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, ..."And will your grandmother need a rental car?"

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For The Kids...

Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain.
Why's that?
My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it.

Doctor, doctor, my hair's coming out. Can you give me something to keep it in?
Certainly - how about a paper bag?

Doctor, doctor, people keep ignoring me.
Next, please!

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Pull yourself together!

 

Visa

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.

"Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."

I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.

When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

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Flies on a Log

Beth Vorhees of public TV fame said her daughter, Diana, a third-grader, was to give a demonstration speech at school. She planned to demonstrate how to make "Flies on a Log" which consists of peanut butter spread on a stalk of celery with raisins on it.

The morning of her speech, Diana took out everything she needed and put it on the kitchen counter, ready to take it to school. Unfortunately, when the girl and her mother left for school, they forgot to take the items.

Diana's mother dropped her off and went home to get the stuff.

The celery was gone. The raisins were gone. The peanut butter had been put away.

"Oh," said Diana's father. "I had that stuff for breakfast."

Diana's faithful mother rushed to gather up more ingredients and rush them to school with an apology to the teacher and an explanation of what happened.

"Gee," said Diana's teacher, "that's a first -- 'My dad ate my homework.'"

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Commercial Reward

At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for John to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.

After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"

Without looking up from his newspaper John replied, "About 10 years."

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For The Kids...

Why did the dirty chicken cross the road?
For some fowl purpose!

How do sheep keep warm in winter?
Central bleating!

How do chickens dance?
Chick to chick!

What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo-cluck!

It's not what you say, but the way you say it.

On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes."

The girl was very flattered.

What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock."

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My wife is missing

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

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Bathroom Philosophers

Some ordinary folks become great philosophers when they are sitting alone in the bathroom stalls of the world contemplating life's problems. Here are a few gems.

Make love, not war. Heck, do both, get married! - Women's restroom. Bozeman, Montana

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. - Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books. New York, New York.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! - Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

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For The Kids...

Why shouldn't you take an elephant to the zoo?
Because he'd rather go to the movies!

What's blue and has big ears?
An elephant at the North Pole!

What's grey and lights up?
An electric elephant!

What's big and grey and protects you from the rain?
An umbrellaphant!

What do you do with a green elephant?
Wait till it ripens!

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 12th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the "Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation," Dallas, Texas.

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Mother's Wedding Dress

A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. "Mom," she says, "I just found out that my fiance's mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding."

The bride's mother thinks for a minute. "Don't worry," she tells her daughter. "I'll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony."

"But mother," says the bride, "that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It's such a waste not to use it."

"Who said I won't use it?" her mother asked. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."

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Did You Ever Wonder?

- If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

- Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

- If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

- When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Or do you get change?

- Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

- Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

- Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist?

- Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

- Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

- Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn'tit follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

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For The Kids...

Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodworm
How boring for you!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an electric eel
That's shocking!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a python
You can't get round me just like that you know!

"Scooter Libby was found guilt of perjury, obstruction, and making false statements -- or, as the White House calls it, a press conference." --Bill Maher

"Yesterday, I. Lewis Libby, a.k.a. 'The Scooter', the vice president's chief of staff found guilty on four of five counts ranging from obstruction of justice to lying to a grand jury. Yes, we got the guy -- the one-man cancer on this White House has been removed." --Jon Stewart

"There's a bipartisan commission now who's looking into what's going on at Walter Reed. They're about to make recommendations about the conditions there. The conditions? It's a Taco Bell franchise. There's mold and rats. Recommendations? How about a bucket and mop?" --Bill Maher

"Another horrible day for the stock market. It went down another 100 points. In fact, the only company to make money was the Tennessee power company that sells electricity to Al Gore." --Jay Leno

"The other day an American Airlines employee tried to let former Vice President Al Gore bypass airport security, but guards stopped Gore and made him go through the metal detector. The head of security said, 'We had to search Al Gore. He could have been armed with a speech.'" --Conan O'Brien

"While he was there, Bush did an interview with the Brazilian press and he said the most difficult decision a president could ever make is sending troops into harm's way. But enough about Walter Reed." --Bill Maher

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The Hokey Pokey - Shakespearean Style

Original Lyrics

Put your left foot in,
Your left foot out,
Your left foot in,
And shake it all about.
You do the hokey pokey
And turn yourself around
That's what it's all about.

Shakespearean Style

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt.
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.

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Actual Answers From Students On Music Exams

- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.

- Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.

- Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

- All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.

- Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.

- Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

- Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

- Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.

- A harp is a nude piano.

- Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing.

- I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

- My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

- Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

- Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.

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For The Kids...

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Miniature!
Miniature who?
Miniature open the door, I'll tell you!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Minneapolis!
Minneapolis who?
Minneapolis a day keeps the doctor away!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Minnie!
Minnie who?
Minnie more!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Minnie!
Minnie who?
No not Minnie-who - Minnehaha!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Minsk!
Minsk who?
Minsk meat!

- He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

- A plateau is a high form of flattery.

- The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

- Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

- When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

- Acupuncture is a jab well done.

- Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

- The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

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Sad News

What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote the song "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in...

...and then the trouble started.

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The Frog

A frog walks into a bank and asks the teller, "Who do I talk to about getting a loan?" The teller shows him to the office of the loans manager, Ms. Patricia Black.

"I would like a loan for $20.00 to buy a new lily pad," the frog tells her.

"Do you have any collateral?" asks Ms. Black.

The frog produces a small statuette of the Eiffel Tower with the inscription "Souvenir of Paris" engraved on the base. Unsure whether or not the object is worth the amount of the loan, she summons the bank manager.

The manager inspects the trinket, nods his head, and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Black - give the frog a loan."

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For The Kids...

What's the world weakest animal?
A toad, he croaks if you even touch him!

What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole!

What do you call a girl with a frog in her hair?
Lily!

What do Scottish toads play?
Hop-scotch!

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Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home," she said.

"What an example of devotion," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"

"Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."

You Might Be A Redneck If...

- You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.

- Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

- You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

- You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

- You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

- You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

- You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

- There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

Salesman to Policeman

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman.

Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.

"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

For The Kids...

What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel?
Lumpy milkshakes!

What is the definition of a goose?
An animal that grows down as it grows up!

Why did Bo Peep lose her sheep?
She had a crook with her!

What do you give a pony with a cold?
Cough Stirrup!

What animal always goes to bed with its shoes on?
A horse!

At Ninety-Nine

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints - this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.

He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."

Collected Comments of College Students

- He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.

- Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!

- His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame.

- Textbook is confusing ... someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it.

- This class was a religious experience for me ... I had to take it all on faith.

- The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him.

- Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material.

- Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing - it's a great stress reliever.

- Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose - spraying in all directions - no way to stop it.

- I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used while doing the problem sets.

Jar 47

A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"

The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."

So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.

One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it's......"

But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!

For The Kids...

Why are elephants grey?
So you can tell them from flamingos!

Elephant Keeper: "My Elephant isn't well, do you know a good animal doctor?
" Zoo Keeper: "No, all the doctors I know are people!"

Why do elephants scratch themselves?
Because they're the only ones who know where they itch!

How does an elephant get down from a tree?
He sits on a leaf and waits till autumn!

Death on Vacatio

n During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalam, George's mother-in-law died.

With death certificates in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the states for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the states for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.

The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much consdering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case from many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he rose from the dead! I just can't take that chance."

HMO Q&A

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, 'Hey, Moe!' Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Dr. Moe Howard of "The Three Stoogies " who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan.

But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and that diploma from a small Caribbean Island is very fresh.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. What are preexisting conditions?
A. This is a term used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with 'pre and now' meaning the same.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 CO-payment, there is no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

Kansas

My wife and I were traveling on the Kansas Turnpike, bucking 30 to 45 m.p.h. crosswinds. At the tollbooth, I asked the attendant, "What do you people do in Kansas when the wind quits?"

The tollbooth attendant didn't miss a beat. She answered, "We take the rocks out of our pockets."

For The Kids...

Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
So he could hide in the cherry tree!

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!

What's the difference between a sick elephant and seven days?
One is a weak one and the other one week!

What pill would you give to an elephant that can't sleep?
Trunkquilizers!

Pet Lovers Manifesto

- When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

- The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

- The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

- I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.

- Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

- Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.

- It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

- My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

- For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

Maiden Name Reinstated

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license.

"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.

"No," I replied.

"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."

Jock in Trouble

Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!"

Lottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck.

Jock prays again: "Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"

Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders: "Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"

For The Kids...

Why did the Romans build straight roads?
So their soldiers didn't go around the bend!

When a knight in armour was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave?
Rust in peace!

What famous chiropodist ruled England?
William the Corn-cutter!

What English King invented the fireplace?
Alfred the grate!

What's yellow, has wheels and lies on its back?
A dead school bus!

Rare Birds

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

Judge: "Proceed."

Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"

Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

Computer Power

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.

"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

For The Kids...

Q: What is green and pecks on trees?
A: Woody Wood Pickle!

Q: What happened when the owl lost his voice?
A: He didn't give a hoot!

Q: What do you call a Scottish parrot?
A: A Macaw!

Q: What do you call a bird that lives underground?
A: A mynah bird!

Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A: A great walkie-talkie! y Language

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase "secure the building".

The Army will post guards around the place.

The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.

The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

He Can't Hit My Fastball

Before a series, St. Louis manager Frankie Frisch instructed his pitching staff to avoid throwing Brooklyn's Tony Cuccinello a fastball.

Dizzy Dean objected. "He can't hit my fastball."

He begged Frisch to let him throw Cuccinello a fastball. Frisch refused. Finally with the game in hand, he relented. Dean threw Cuccinello a fastball. Cuccinello hit it out of the park.

Dean turned to Frisch. "By gosh, Frankie. You were right for once."

Obvious Relationship

Science has a language of its own which sometimes puzzles laymen. The word "obvious" is a case in point.

A professor of physics, deriving some profound point of theory for the class, scribbled an equation on the board and said, "From this, it is obvious that we can proceed to write the following relationship..." and he scribbled a second and equally long equation on the board.

Then he paused. He stared hard at the two equations and said, "Wait a minute, I may be wrong..."

He sat down and began to write at his desk furiously, crossing out and rewriting for five minutes while the class sat in absolute silence waiting for the verdict.

Finally, the professor rose with an air of satisfaction and said, "Yes, I was right in the first place. It *IS* obvious that the second equation follows from the first."

For The Kids...

Q: What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon?
A: A bird who knocks before delivering its message!

Q: What do you call a very rude bird?
A: A mockingbird!

Q: Where do birds meet for coffee?
A: In a nest-cafe!

Q: How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely?
A: With it's sparrowchute!

R

Pull Buddy

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

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Baste A Turkey

A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure.

Then he asked, "But why would you call the State Police to find out how to baste a turkey?"

There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.

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Who Would Know

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone called 911.

When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower!"

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For The Kids...

I want a hair cut please.
Certainly, which one?

Do you look in the mirror after you've washed your face?
No, I look in a towel!

Why was the Egyptian girl worried?
Because her daddy was a mummy!

It's time for your violin lesson.
Oh, Fiddle!

How old is your granddad?
I don't know but we've had him a long time!

What pet makes the loudest noise?
A trum-pet!

What is a tornado?
Mother nature doing the twist!

ecent Quips from Late Night

"Senator Joseph Lieberman said Tuesday that Congress should consider war on terrorism taxes. Or, as they are currently known, taxes." --Seth Meyers

"Justice Department officials have determined that a president of the United States does have the legal authority to have someone killed ... in the United States. And today, Bill Clinton withdrew his support for Hillary." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, Senator Barack Obama announced his candidacy for president. Upon hearing the news, Hillary Clinton punched a pillow so hard it turned into a diamond." --Amy Poehler

"Famous designer Donatella Versace has recommended that Hillary Clinton stop wearing those pant suits and start wearing dresses and skirts. Versace said Hillary should treat femininity as an opportunity. You know, the way Bill does." --Jay Leno

"The rumor in Hollywood right now is that Al Gore may announce he's running for president during a speech at the Academy Awards. That's right folks, they found a way to make Oscar speeches even more boring." --Conan O'Brien

"This Sunday, February 11th, is a very important day in our nation's history. It is the one-year anniversary of Dick Cheney shooting an old man in the face. It is widely regarded as the greatest comedy event of the century. The AARP is using the occasion to remind seniors not to go hunting with the vice president. ... It could turn out to be the least damaging thing the Bush administration ever does." --Jimmy Kimmel

"We're learning more and more about that crazy astronaut. ... She told the police that she was involved with another astronaut and that it was more than a working relationship, but less than a romantic relationship. Or, as the Clintons call it, 'marriage.'" --Jay Leno

Intern Tech

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift.

One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," she told him.

With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

A Doctor and a Lawyer Meet at a Party

A doctor and a lawyer met at a party. Their conversation was interrupted repeatedly by guests asking the doctor for medical advice. Finally, the exasperated doctor turned to the lawyer and said, "Tell me, what do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"When they ask, I give them advice", replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill in the morning."

The doctor decided to take the lawyer's advice and for the rest of the evening wrote down the names and addresses of everyone who approached him for advice. The next morning he took out the list, just as his secretary walked into his office and handed him a bill from the lawyer.

For The Kids...

What is the best day of the week to sleep?
Snooze-day!

How many rotten eggs does it take to make a stink bomb?
A phew!

What do cannibals eat for breakfast?
Buttered host!

What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams!

What does "Maximum" mean?
A very big mother!

What is full of holes but can still hold water?
A sponge!

Why is perfume obedient?
Because it is scent wherever it goes!

High Tech

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.

"Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy which she handed to me with the car keys.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."

Mike's Girlfriend

After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman.

"Is Mike there?" I asked.

"He's in the shower," she responded.

"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.

When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.

"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.

"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."

Daytime Television

A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and was interviewing one of the prisoners. "Do you watch much television here?"

"Only the daytime shows," the inmate said. "At night we're locked in our cells and don't see any television."

"That's too bad," the reporter said, "But I do think it is nice that the warden lets you watch it in the daytime."

"What do you mean, nice?" the inmate said. "That's part of the punishment."

For The Kids...

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Grapes!
Grapes who!
Grapes suzette!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Gravy!
Gravy who!
Gravy Crockett!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Greg!
Greg who?
Gregs of Wrath!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Greta!
Greta who!
Greta job!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Greta!
Greta who!
You Greta on my nerves!

opeless Pupil

"It's no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other."

"Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled teacher. "But you only have two ears."

"You see, sir? I'm no good at math, either."

Student Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

- As you shall make your bed so shall you... mess it up.
- Better be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
- Strike while the ... bug is close.
- It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
- You can lead a horse to water but... how?
- Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
- A miss is as good as a... mister.
- You can't teach an old dog new... math.
- If you lie down with the dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.
- The pen is mightier than the... pigs.
- An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
- Where there's smoke, there's... pollution.
- Happy the bride who... gets all the presents.
- A penny saved is... not much.
- Two's company, three's... the musketeers.
- Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.
- Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
- When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.

Drinking Too Much

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough.

The bartender said, "I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?"

The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough."

For The Kids...

Teacher: When you yawn, your supposed to put your hand to your mouth!
Pupil: What?, and get bitten!

Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't you?
Pupil: Not very much!

When crossing the Delaware River why did George Washington stand up in the boat?
He was afraid that if he sat down that someone would give him an oar to row!

What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?
I don't know, I wasn't invited!

What did they wear at the Boston Tea Party?
T-Shirts!

Very Smart Women

1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton

2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong

3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner

4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -Rita Rudner

5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -Wendy Liebman

6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -Erma Bombeck

7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing 'em. -Sue Grafton

8. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr

9. I think, therefore I'm single. -Lizz Winstead

Dollar Equals Ten Cents

Theorem: 1$ = 10 cent
Proof:
We know that $1 = 100 cents
Divide both sides by 100
$ 1/100 = 100/100 cents
=> $ 1/100 = 1 cent
Take square root both side
=> squr($1/100) = squr (1 cent)
=> $ 1/10 = 1 cent
Multiply both side by 10
=> $1 = 10 cent

CTC

Classmates at college were lamenting the cost of long distance phone service and debating the relative advantages of AT&T, MCI, and Sprint.

"I've found CTC to be the cheapest plan around," offered one.

"CTC? Who are they?"

"You know," he responded. "Call Them Collect."

For The Kids...

Why do witches ride on broomsticks?
Because it's quicker than walking!

What are baby witches called?
Halloweenies!

What do little witches do after school?
Their gnomework!

What do witches say when they overtake each other?
Broom, broom, broom!

What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One's a hunted stag and the other is a stunted hag!

Why do witches get good bargains?
Because they like to haggle!

Why did the witch consult an astrologer?
She wanted to know her horror-scope!

50th Anniversary

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her."

Sleeping Dad

My mother and I returned to my parents' house late one evening to find my father, my college-age brother, Steven, and my ten-year-old sister fast asleep.

Mom had forgotten her house keys, so we knocked loudly, first at the back door and then the front and side doors. We yelled my father's name over and over, with no answer. The car horn aroused the neighbors but no one at our house. We drove into town and phoned home, finally waking Steven.

When we got back, he let us in. Dad was in bed, snoring, with the television on. Mom quietly switched it off. Dad woke right up.

"Don't turn that off," he said. "I'm watching it!"

Talented Dog

Tim O'Rourke was walking his Irish Setter in the country side. He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back. Tim then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake. The dog went down to the water's edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back.

Well, Tim was astounded. He couldn't believe what he had seen and threw stick in the lake again, and the dog once again walked across the water to bring the stick back. As he went into town, he promised that he would show his dog's wonderful new trick to the first person he came across.

Once in town the first person the dog owner came across was the town drunk Declan Dunphy. Tim dragged Declan to the lake to show him what his dog could do. Once again, the dog owner threw the stick into the small lake and the dog went to the water's edge, walked across the water, picked up the stick and brought it back to it's owner.

Once the drunk saw that, he turned to the dog owner and said; "Why that's great, mister! But when are you going to teach your dog how to swim?"

For The Kids...

What do you call a flea that lives in an idiots ear?
A space invader!

What do you get if you cross a rabbit and a flea?
Bugs Bunny!

How do you start an insect race?
One, two, flea - go!

How do you find where a flea has bitten you?
Start from scratch!

What is a flea's favorite book?
The itch-hikers guide to the galaxy!

George and the Dragon